Real Men Share

Men have a reputation for dreading conversations about the “R” word: relationships. So to make discussing relationships, specifically marriage, more enticing and relatable to males, the MarriageTeam organization headquartered in Vancouver, Washington, has created a program that relies on sports metaphors to communicate its key points. The basic premise is we are all born into different teams. As we grow, we learn the plays that work for our team. Some teams are more winning than others. When we get married or remarried we create a new team. The problem is we bring our old playbook and do not share it with our new teammate. This creates errors, fumbles and frustration.

Couples who participate in MarriageTeam are empowered through personal assistance from their coaches to create “new plays” and a “winning team.” They learn how to “warm up,” “get off the bench,” “become MVPs” and “continue a winning streak.” Behind all this figurative language is in-depth content that teaches couples better ways to communicate and resolve their differences. The program has achieved impressive results, and one of the people behind its success is LPL Financial advisor Michael Burgoyne.

Michael became aware of MarriageTeam (MT) in 2002 when a friend asked if he and his wife, Denise, would like to become coaches. MT coaches come from many walks of life, but all are couples who agree to share their time and experience, are in a stable and mutually satisfying marriage, and have been married at least five years for those coaching pre-marital couples or 10 years for those coaching married couples. The Burgoynes were particularly qualified to be coaches since, at the time, they were undergoing fertility treatment, a complex, uncertain and often stressful process for couples. Michael’s education and expertise regarding financial matters was another coaching plus, since a large percentage of marital strife and divorce is directly related to financial problems.
It was important to Michael and Denise to share their experience with others and help promote strong marriages, but because of limited time, Michael and Denise requested to “sit at the end of the coaching bench,” and be available to help in specific situations involving fertility or finances. Their marriage was rock-solid, but it was the second marriage for each, and they had family backgrounds in which divorce was prevalent. MT presented a unique opportunity for Michael and Denise to help others break the cycle of divorce. They knew firsthand about the pain and disruption that occurs when unions fail, and they wanted to help people rediscover joy as a loving couple that can become obscured with the passage of time, and the lack of attention and proper resources.

Don’t You Think?

The first step for Michael and Denise was to receive coaches training, where they learned the detailed methodology of the MT program. Typically, coaching couples will meet with their participant couple for two hours a week for two months. During the sessions, the coaches will lead the participants through a play-by-play guide that addresses a range of issues including active listening, anger management, problem solving and intimacy.
After training was complete, Michael and Denise figured they could be more effective as coaches if they experienced the program as a participating couple, too. They shared this thought with the creators of MT, Al and Autumn Ray, who agreed to be their coaches and lead them through an accelerated, abbreviated version of MT.

Michael had rated his marriage as 9 out of 10 and didn’t think the program would necessarily benefit him, but wanted to go through it just the same. One night after a session that addressed conflict resolution, Michael and Denise found themselves continuing the discussion at home. Michael had supplied an honest answer and Denise responded, “Don’t you think…” Those words got under Michael’s skin; he became defensive and wanted the conversation to end so it wouldn’t escalate into a situation they’d both regret. However, they kept the conversation going and Denise got Michael to explain that her choice of the words “Don’t you think…” conveyed to him that she was either trying to tell him what he should think, or she didn’t believe he was telling the truth.

“That was a moment of realization for us as a couple,” said Michael. “It drove home the importance of our word choice and we were then able to create a new play.”

“To me, MarriageTeam is so important to a relationship. All relationships start out with attraction and infatuation— the person we walk down the aisle with we know as a friend, but many times issues don’t surface until later. MT provides a positive system that couples can use to get the most from their relationship,” said Michael. “This is especially important when you consider how much overlap marriage has into other areas of our lives and society: children, friendships, work relationships, productivity, finances, education, even crime.”
Here are some statistics provided on the MT website that support Michael’s thoughts:
•   60% of new marriages are predicted to end in separation or divorce
•   In 60% of divorces, “poor communication” is listed as a primary cause
•   The main cause for marriages ending in the first seven years is unreasonable expectations about marriage
•   One million children watch their parents divorce annually; half witness a second divorce before age 18
•   Children from divorced homes are 70% more likely to be expelled or suspended from school

Leadership and Results

Through the years, Michael’s largest contribution to MT has involved its leadership. Since 2006, Michael has served on MT’s board of directors and is currently board president. Michael meets with Executive Director Al Ray every other week as his business coach. Al has a master’s degree in counseling and human development; he is a retired Air Force colonel and has a great deal of passion and energy, but had not run an organization like MT before. Michael has helped him with marketing and promotion, structure and organization, communication and other key aspects of running MT, which has grown from a church-based ministry in its infancy to a regional organization with approximately 60 trained coach couples today.

If advisors can model passion and inspiration for clients, it helps them tap into what they really care about and what they want their money to be used for… At the initial client meeting, we talk about aligning your values with your value.

MT has expanded its reach to include seminars, retreats and outreach programs with other non-profit organizations. A weekly radio show was also established that brought MT practices and lessons to a larger audience. It is currently on hiatus due to budget issues, but it is hoped that the show will return once long-term sponsors can be secured.

Married couples who complete MT rate the experience as 9.3 on a scale of 10 and report an average of 74% improvement in their relationship. Those positive results are creating strong interest outside the Portland/ Vancouver area, home for Michael (CFP, ChFC) and his advisory firm, Laurus Wealth Management. Recently, MT has begun coaching remote sessions in Alaska, Illinois and Seattle by using web-based video technology. Michael hopes this trend grows and new pockets of care emerge, leading to the expansion of MT to 100 cities across the nation.

Sharing Beyond MT

Michael’s attraction to volunteerism came about from being involved with philanthropic programs through school and other organizations. Until recently, he served on the board of directors of DELTA Ministries International, an interdenominational evangelical organization that supports U.S. and international local churches by specializing in short-term and mid-term missions. In October, Michael and Denise will run in the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington D.C. to bring awareness to MarriageTeam and the American Cancer Society.

“We are hoping to garner pledges of at least $25,000 for each organization,” said Michael. “I have a white training shirt with the names of cancer warriors including my maternal grandfather and both of my grandmothers. I notified my clients of this and they have been sending me names to add to the shirt of loved ones, friends and even themselves. Eleven percent of our current client base is directly affected by cancer.”

The Riches of Giving

The Burgoyne household is a busy one as 5-year-old twins, Andrew and Zachary, keep mom and dad on the move. The youngsters have already been learning about the value of giving and the good feelings it brings to the givers as well as the receivers. Instead of allowance the twins have “pay day,” which varies according to their work for the week. This arrangement teaches them that getting paid isn’t an automatic occurrence: you get paid for your efforts.
The bank they use provides the next lesson. Actually it is three banks: for spending, saving and giving. The kids use money they have collected in their giving bank to go to the dollar store and buy sundry items for children in need that get distributed through Operation Christmas Child. One of the Burgoyne’s most proud moments as parents was when the twins asked on their own if they could send their giving money along with their babysitter, who was traveling to help with a mission project in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Michael and his coworkers purchased 100 “triple-banks” from a friend who has built the three-slotted banks to look like a toy store, a bank and a gift store. Laurus Wealth Management staff gives the banks to their clients who have kids as a memorable way to help parents instill the triple set of values that they believe in as core beliefs. The Burgoynes have also set up trust funds for Andrew and Zachary to pay for their college expenses contingent on their completion of 100 hours of community service apiece each year. Michael and Denise believe that after four or five years of giving in college because they “have to,” their sons will give for the rest of their life because they want to.

Michael and his associates often reflect on the value of giving that is present at their firm. They stress philanthropy with their clients and make it a point beginning at the initial client meeting to talk about “aligning your values with your value.”

According to Michael, “If advisors can model passion and inspiration for clients, it helps them tap into what they really care about and what they want their money to be used for. Sometimes my associates and I at the firm feel like professional athletes because we can honestly say we get paid for doing what we love doing. We also love giving back. It’s a privilege, but for those blessed to be able to do so, I also feel that it’s an obligation.

If you are interested in having a MarriageTeam program in your area or wish to make a pledge to MarriageTeam and/or the American Cancer Society, please call  (866) 586-7570  and ask for Michael.