A Winning Marriage

Originally Published in Family Matters Magazine, Lebanon Pennsylvania – August 2011

It’s 7pm when the doorbell rings and we put on our marriage coaching hats and hurry to greet Doug and Marsha. Doug and Marsha chose marriage coaching to learn relationship skills that can help their marriage last a lifetime and look forward to the weekly sessions.

The goal for this evening is to discuss conflict. My wife and fellow coach, Autumn, explains that Marsha and Doug have learned to “play” on different teams-the teams of their families of origin-and they bring their team’s plays into their marriage. Autumn uses an example from her own family. “My family was very verbal and loud when they discussed a problem while Al’s family was quiet and didn’t talk about problems. You can imagine how those two different plays didn’t mesh when we were first married.” I explain that Doug and Marsha have formed a new team and will learn how to create winning plays that work for both of them.

Autumn and I facilitate a serious discussion between Doug and Marsha about their different parenting expectations. We insure Doug and Marsha understand each other’s views and feelings. At one point, I notice Doug withdraws from the discussion and ask him about that. When Doug confirms my observation is correct, I ask him to tell Marsha with an “I statement” what caused him to withdraw. They are able to continue the discussion and, later, Marsha says they tend to get stuck during disagreements because Doug does have a tendency to withdraw-usually when she raises her voice. Autumn says, “Marsha, why don’t you ask Doug how you can help him get back into a discussion when you see him withdraw? I’ll bet the two of you can come up with a winning play.” Marsha directs that question to Doug and, after some discussion, Doug decides Marsha could say, “Honey, I think you might be leaving the game, and that is not what I want for us. What do you need to hear from me right now?” They practice saying it a couple of times and are excited to have a play that seems to work for both of them. Coach Autumn has Doug write out the exact words on a card and gives the card to Marsha so she can use it the next time he withdraws. We help Doug and Marsha explore potential unforeseen barriers to implementing their new play and even discuss where to keep the card so it won’t be forgotten. The two-hour session ends with a commitment to use their new play when Doug withdraws in the future.

Marriage coaches are a combination of marriage educators and coaches. As educators, they share tools for enhancing relationships and help reframe thinking about the marriage. As coaches, they come alongside in a defined relationship and help a couple clarify their issues and understand each other’s feelings, explore options, identify barriers, move to action and create mutual accountability for change.

Couple coaching is unique in that it isn’t about helping one person move forward on an issue. It is the ‘relationship’ that is being coached. Coaches ask couples to consider “what is best for the relationship?” Teams win or lose together. In the marriage, if one spouse feels like a loser on a particular issue, the relationship loses. In today’s world, both men and women have been on teams and they clearly understand the difference between being on a winning and a losing team. They also understand the difference a coach can make.