Marriage SOS

“My wife starts nagging the minute I get home, when I just want to unwind and play with the kids,” says Craig, a school superintendent. “If I leave the room to get some peace, she’s chasing after me saying, ‘That wall still needs painting.’ But all I hear is her disappointment and think, I’ve failed again.

“Deborah knows it’s my nature to wait until the last minute to discuss an issue or finish a job. But more and more, she annoys me by bringing up ‘problems’ that don’t need fixing, like squabbles among the kids that aren’t real behavior issues. I’ve learned if I wait a day or two, some things resolve on their own. That’s not fast enough for Deborah. She demands action.

“I also like to have time with an issue—like that trip. I said I’d think about it, but she never gave me a chance. And when she rushes me, I hold back. Then once we’re arguing about one problem, she piles on others that aren’t even on the table, like she’s adding to a ledger. It reaches the point where I think, I’ll never get it all done.

“All this conflict is brutal, especially since I never saw my parents argue. In fact, discussion was viewed as an attempt to undermine authority. But Deborah is constantly thinking aloud. When I first met her family I thought, Why are these people always interrupting one another? It seemed exciting then. Now it’s making life unbearable.

“Every day I walk on eggshells, trying to avoid my wife. But I want this marriage to work. If she thinks I never take the lead, I hope she’ll see how genuine I am when I tell her about one of her Christmas gifts: I’m promising to go to marriage coaching with her.”

“My marriage feels like a lie,” confides Deborah Downs, who has been with Craig for 23 years. “Craig is more like a roommate than a spouse. He won’t take an active part in this marriage. When I bring up an issue, like our budget, I expect him to comment, or nod…or give some sign that he hears me. But he never does, which tells me he doesn’t care about the issue, or me.

“I prefer to tackle things right away. Growing up, I was praised for being proactive, like when I’d turn in homework early. Craig is the opposite. He stalls, hoping anything that needs his attention will go away.

“That’s a problem for me because I want him to participate more in the daily dealings of this family. For example, as our kids have gotten older I’ve urged Craig to be more hands-on, saying, ‘they want your guidance. You’re wasting all these teachable moments.’ Instead of listening, Craig gets mad and we don’t talk for days. It’s hard to respect him when he won’t take action.

“Craig is even passive about fun things. Recently I said, ‘Let’s talk about where to go for our anniversary.’ He mumbled, ‘I have to go to work.’ The next day I asked, ‘Maybe the Cayman Islands?’ he shrugged. The next day, more stalling. Finally I screamed, ‘Why won’t you answer me?!’ Now I’m wondering the worst: Has he stopped dreaming about our future?

“You’d think after years of his stonewalling, I’d stop trying. But I love Craig and vowed I’d never put my kids through divorce, especially since I grew up without a father. I just pray God can make this marriage right.”

“Deborah and Craig struggled with the stereotypical communication differences that men and women face,” says MarriageTeam coach Robin Myers, who, along with her husband Jeff, mentored the couple using the book Rick and Jane Learn to Listen & Talk by Al and Autumn Ray. “Women tend to want to process stuff right away, while men prefer to take their time. And women process verbally, using 20,000 words a day, while men use 7,000. When Craig felt Deborah was being too pushy and wordy, he’d shift into defense mode. When Craig stopped talking, Deborah assumed that he didn’t care.

“To overcome these differences, I challenged Deborah to stick to one issue at a time, and state her point in three sentences or less. If she saw Craig shutting down—perhaps looking stone-faced or getting up to leave—she could give a loving touch to his arm to let him know she didn’t want to battle. She could follow that by gently saying, ‘I really want to hear your heart on this.’

“Craig then needed to speak before his wife jumped to conclusions. He could say, ‘I’d like to talk about this after I have time to think. I’ll let you know within 24 hours.’ Then he would confirm, ‘What I’m hearing you say is [fill in the blank]. Right?’ This prevented Craig from digesting the wrong issue. And by setting a deadline, he showed his wife she wasn’t being ignored. To hold Craig to that time line, Deborah was allowed to remind once: ‘Are we still going to discuss that issue?’ This ‘we’ statement prevented the question from sounding accusatory.

“The couple also needed to avoid the tendency to refer to feeling hurt, angry or frustrated, which are secondary emotions. Instead, they needed to voice their primary emotions. Deborah could say, ‘When you walk out on a talk, it triggers my deepest fear: I’m not valued and I’ll be abandoned like my mom.’ Craig might say, ‘When I hear nagging, I feel my authority has been undermined and I don’t know how to get it back.’ This inspires compassion that makes partners more willing to problem solve.

“Often people approach marriage challenges like yo-yo diets: They change for a bit, then go back to their old ways and regain the issues. But healthy communication strategies gave this couple lasting ways to deal with conflict.”

“We recently went on a cruise, where we did nothing but enjoy each other’s company,” shares Craig, on celebrating their 25^th anniversary. “We also set aside date nights and times to talk so we always feel heard.”

Deborah adds, “I value Craig more now and give him space to process issues. And I’ve found sending ‘I love you’ texts is an easy way to communicate with him!”