Stronger Marriages Worth Effort

Thursday, September 14, 2006
ELIZABETH HOVDE for The Columbian Advertisement
Living Section, page D-7
I need at least one recurring, noneducational escape each week so I can justify lying around on Big Green (my couch) eating Gummy Bears. This summer’s guilty pleasure was “Grey’s Anatomy.”

I’ve only seen a handful of episodes in the right order and am usually a tad lost on the major plot lines, but I have seen enough of the show to know this: The leading man had an affair with the leading woman but is now trying to reunite with his wife.

But wait. It’s even more complicated.

Before the affair between the show’s leading man and woman ever started, the leading man’s wife cheated on him with his best friend. Ouch.

This twist on the affair leaves the viewer perplexed as to whom to root for. I find myself torn between a.) wishing for a clean slate for all parties and b.) hoping that the marriage on the edge is strong enough to weather the storm that “Grey’s Anatomy” writers send its way.

This surprises me. I rarely am torn in real life. I almost always root for marriage. When you know that the grass is rarely greener on the other side and that studies show most divorced people regret that their marriages came to an end, you tend to cheer for love’s recovery as a general rule.

A 2004 survey of Washingtonians showed that 56 percent of us think divorce merely trades one set of problems for another, while just 34 percent saw divorce as a springboard to a better life. There is baggage in every relationship. How we lug it around is the key.

Help is available

Luckily, Clark County is a place where a lot of people are eager to save marriages on the edge and prevent healthy marriages from resembling a “Grey’s Anatomy” plot line.

Marriages need all the help they can get, with the national, state and county divorce rates for first marriages in the 40-45 percent range. For just one month, July, Clark County court records show 79 dissolution cases were filed by couples with kids while 50 were filed by couples with no children.

One local effort, Thriving Families (www.thrivingfamilies.org), is working with the government, churches, businesses and community leaders to make an emphasis on marriages commonplace.

By acting as a clearinghouse for marriage-strengthening and marriage-saving resources in the area, Thriving Families is hoping to see an increase in happy marriages, fewer divorces and more kids anchored in homes with their married mom and dad.

The new nonprofit has started an annual marriage event near Valentine’s Day to get married couples energized about their relationships. On Feb. 16-17, 2007, Mark Gungor will be here presenting his popular seminar “Laugh your way to a better marriage.” Save those dates and visit Thriving Families’ Web site for more information.

Aside from seminars, Marriage Team is one local resource to which Thriving Families might direct couples in need of help. Marriage Team led by locals Al and Autumn Ray, who boast a 36-year marriage links married couples with coach couples trained as mentors. Marriage Team is always looking for more mentor couples and encourages people with healthy marriages to attend its upcoming training session starting Sept. 22. Visit www.marriageteam.org for more information.

With such a dramatic divorce rate, a lot of marriages have already bit the dust and second marriages are blossoming or getting tangled in old weeds. There is local help for those marriages, too.

Gil and Brenda Stuart, remarried themselves and resembling a modern-day Brady Bunch with seven children between them, have started an organization called Restored and Remarried. They help stepfamilies protect themselves from trouble spots and explode myths before they do damage. Visit www.restoredandremarried.com. Many area churches also have resources available for marrieds and remarrieds those in sickness and in health.

This renewed commitment to marriage in Clark County is better than a guilty pleasure. More time spent figuring out the anatomy of our marriages means less time performing risky surgeries on broken hearts.

Elizabeth Hovde’s column of personal opinion appears on the Other Opinions page each Thursday. Reach her at ehovde@earthlink.net.