The Coaching Process

Coaching is all about being focused on the couple’s issues and success.  Coaches are responsible for facilitating the coaching process so the couple can create the solutions that will work for them.  Coaches direct that the couple talk to each other.  Coaches do not give advice; they simply facilitate the coaching process.  The coaching process is the coaches road map to help a couple work through their issues.

Steps 1 Identify the Speaker and the Listener

The speaker is the person who has the most emotion around the issue.  The speaker will use I Statements to share their perspective.  The Listener will use good active listening techniques to insure the speaker feels understood.

Step 2.  Identify the issue

The speaker with explain the issue using I Statements.

Step 3.  Clarify the Issue

The listener will insure that he or she totally understands the speaker and the speaker must feel understood.  The speaker determines when he or she feels understood.  Typically this is determined when the listener asks, “Is there more?” and the speaker says no.  At this point the speaking and listening roles change so each teammate gets to share and be understood.  This is often an iterative process for significant issues.  Frequently the presenting issue, is not the real issue and the clarifying process is essential to get to the root of the problem.  If the solution does not address the root of the problem, issue will continue to occur.

Step 4.  Explore Possible Options for Change

When both teammates feel understood and the real issue has been clarified, it is time to explore possible solutions that will work for both of them. The coach will need to guide this discussion because couples may be locked into rigid beliefs or patterns of behavior and be unable or unwilling to see different options.  Coaches facilitate the exploration of options with questions and brainstorming that does not allow nixing options at this point.  They facilitate the process to insure that several options are identified.  The best options often come after the couple initially says they can not think of any more options.  Coaches facilitate creating more options.

Step 5.  Move to Action

The coaches will ask about what options sound best and facilitate the couple coming up with a plan for implementation.  This requires identifying specific actions that will be taken to achieve the outcomes the couple wants.  Questions like the following can be very helpful:
-  What actions need to be taken?
-  Who will take them?  When will they be taken?
-  What are the barriers?  How will you overcome the barriers?
-  How do you want to be reminded if you forget to do what you agreed to do?
-  And others designed to create clear understandings and agreements.

Step 6. Create Mutual Accountability for Results

The final step in the coaching process is to encourage accountability between teammates. This is where helping the couple identify specific things they will say and do to encourage each other to follow through on their commitments (dynamic plays) is very helpful.  To help the couple create mutual accountability the coach might ask, “If one of you fails to do what you decided, how could your teammate bring it to your attention in a way that would work for you?” One value of the dynamic play is that both teammates participate in developing it, so there is a mutual commitment to making it work.