Many people struggling in their marriages operate under beliefs that keep them stuck in patterns of negativity and despair. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away, introduces Reality Living—a framework for rejecting harmful myths and embracing empowering truths that lead to lasting change in marriage. As we look at these timeless principles, I will present some coaching questions that can help couples reframe their thinking and lead the way to positive changes.
Four Myths That Can Destroy a Marriage
Myth 1: My environment determines my state of mind.
It’s easy to believe that our circumstances dictate our happiness, but this belief fosters helplessness and despair. While circumstances influence emotions, we ultimately choose how we respond to them.
Coaching Questions:
- How do you typically respond when things don’t go as planned in your marriage?
- What impact does your response have on your teammate and your relationship?
- What difference would choosing a more positive response have on your marriage?
- What small steps can you take to regain control over your thoughts and reactions?
Myth 2: People cannot change.
Many believe that their spouse will never change, leading to frustration and resignation. The truth is, people do change—sometimes dramatically—especially when given the right environment and encouragement.
Coaching Questions:
- What changes have you seen in your spouse over time, even if small?
- How have you changed over the years? What helped you make that change?
- How might your own personal growth inspire change in your spouse?
Myth 3: In a difficult marriage, I have only two options—resign myself to misery or leave.
This false dilemma ignores the possibility of transformation. There are many proactive steps you can take to improve your marriage without resorting to passive suffering or separation.
Coaching Questions:
- How well do you listen to really understand your teammate and what their needs are?
- How would your teammate answer the question above about you?
- What do you think about the quote from David Augsburger that “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable?”
- What small, practical changes you could make that might have a big impact?
- What would your marriage look like in six months if you made intentional efforts toward change?
Myth 4: Some situations are hopeless, and mine is one of them.
As long as you have free will, no situation is entirely hopeless. Even the most challenging marriages can be transformed with the right mindset and actions.
Coaching Questions:
- What past challenges have you overcome that once felt impossible?
- How might your perspective shift if you focused on possibilities rather than limitations?
- Assuming for a moment that your situation isn’t hopeless, what is one action you can take this week?
- What strengths do you and your spouse have that you can build on?
Six Principles of Reality Living
Dr Chapman goes on to share these timeless principles that when adopted in place of the myths set the stage for a truly successful marriage.
1. I am responsible for my own attitude.
Attitude is a choice. Even when circumstances are tough, we decide how to think about them. A positive attitude can turn obstacles into opportunities. When the lights go out is that a major disruption or does it mean you get to go to bed early and get a great night’s rest?
Coaching Questions:
- How do you typically frame challenges in your marriage—positively or negatively and what do you think is behind that?
- What would change if you chose to see difficulties as opportunities for growth?
- How can you shift your thinking today to embrace a more constructive outlook?
- How can your teammate support you in this process?
2. My attitude affects my actions.
How we think determines how we act. A negative mindset leads to criticism and withdrawal, while a positive one fosters encouragement and engagement.
Coaching Questions:
- How do your thoughts about your spouse influence your behavior toward them?
- What is one thing you can do today to express kindness and appreciation? How do you think that will impact your relationship?
- How do you want your spouse to experience you on a daily basis?
3. I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
The only person you can really change is yourself. Trying to force someone else to change breeds resistance, but influence through kindness, consistency, and love can encourage transformation.
Coaching Questions:
- What changes have happened in your marriage when you led by example?
- How can you create a more positive environment that invites your spouse to respond differently?
- What behaviors or attitudes in yourself would you like to change first? How can your teammate help you in this process?
4. My emotions do not control my actions.
We often justify unkind words or actions by saying, “I was just so angry.” Anger is a secondary emotion that occurs in a flash when we feel unloved, disrespected, embarrassed, scared or some other primary emotion. Nevertheless, emotions don’t have to dictate behavior—we can choose to act wisely regardless of how we feel. Think about how you would respond to your boss if they said something you didn’t like. There is a good chance it would be different than how you would respond to your spouse.
Coaching Questions:
- When was a time you controlled your reaction despite strong emotions?
- How can you pause and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively?
- What strategies can help you manage your emotions more effectively in your marriage? How can your teammate partner with you in this process?
5. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
Marriage struggles are often fueled by self-protection and pride. Acknowledging our own flaws fosters healing and invites openness in our relationship. There is power in being vulnerable because it tends to create empathy in your teammate.
Coaching Questions:
- What is one area where you could admit a shortcoming to your spouse?
- How might your marriage improve if both of you practiced more humility?
- What step can you take today to foster a spirit of grace and forgiveness?
6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.
Love is not just a feeling but a choice—one that has the power to transform relationships when applied consistently. Love means commitment to your teammate even when it is difficult. Remember “for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do us part?” Virtually every marriage has gone through a period where it was “worse.”
Coaching Questions:
- How would you define love beyond just emotions?
- What is one practical way you can show love to your spouse today? Let them choose it.
- How do you think choosing love, even in difficult moments, could impact your marriage long-term?
Taking Action: Moving from Myth to Reality
Dr. Chapman’s Reality Living principles challenge us to shift from a victim mindset to a victorious one. The key to transformation is intentional action and the coaching questions have just been a example of how coaches can help couples move from hopelessness to a fulfilling marriage.
Questions for Reflection:
- What principle resonated with you the most, and why?
- What impact do you think adopting these six principles will have on your marriage?
- What would keep you from committing to a 60-day trial of these principles to see their effect?
By rejecting destructive myths and embracing reality-based principles, you can create a marriage built on hope, growth, and deep connection. As Dr. Chapman emphasizes, love is a choice—and choosing to live in reality rather than myths is the first step toward lasting change.
Want to take the next step?
Start today by identifying one principle to focus on for the next week. See how even small changes in attitude and action can breathe new life into your marriage. If you would like some help in the process, check out www.marriageteam.org, we have coaches available to kickstart the process.
