Communications – A Common Problem in Marriage
In the United States, extensive research indicates that communication problems rank as the primary cause of divorce. Couples often struggle to effectively communicate their needs, feelings, and concerns that lead to misunderstandings, emotional disconnection, anger and bitterness. These communication breakdowns escalate into larger conflicts, eroding trust and intimacy and soon the marriage is on a steep downward decline.
We all think we are good listeners and most of us have heard the term active listening, but if we don’t do it, it doesn’t matter that we know what it is. I have heard it said more than once that “if I had these communications tools in my first marriage, we never would have gotten divorced.” While the key principles are easy to understand, in practice they are difficult to apply when your buttons are being pushed by someone who is supposed to be on your side. Basically, the job of the listener is to make sure the speaker feels understood. It is not to defend, refute, diminish, correct, clarify, or any of the other common listener response. This sounds simple, but my guess is if you were to ask your spouse if they feel truly understood after sharing on any particular topic, you would be surprised at their response. The job of the speaker is to share their feelings and wants in a way that is not attacking or blaming the listener. Again, this sounds pretty easy, but when a person starts off with, “You . . . , “ the conversation often does not go well.
So how do couples work together to improve their communications to prevent this downward spiral? Marriage coaching is one way to learn how to consistently apply and be accountable for using good communication skills to strengthen and save your marriage.
