Understanding Abusive Relationships
In my last blog, I mentioned that forgiving does not mean tolerating abusive situations. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and communication. However, not all relationships uphold these values. Many individuals find themselves in relationships where emotional, psychological, or physical abuse is present. Recognizing these harmful patterns is essential for protecting oneself and making informed decisions.
When assessing a potential couple for a couple coaching engagement, we look carefully for signs of abuse and we will make referrals to trained professionals for all of the reasons addressed here. Drawing on the work of Leslie Vernick, a licensed clinical social worker and expert in abusive relationship dynamics, this blog will help you:
- Understand what constitutes abuse
- Identify observable abusive behaviors
- Address why couple’s coaching or counseling is inappropriate
- Outline steps one should take if they are in an abusive relationship
What Constitutes Abusive Behavior?
Abuse is any behavior that seeks to control, manipulate, demean, or harm another person. Unlike normal relationship conflicts, which involve occasional disagreements or misunderstandings, abusive relationships are marked by a persistent pattern of power and control. According to Leslie Vernick, abuse is not just about isolated actions but a consistent pattern that leaves one partner feeling trapped, fearful, and diminished. Common forms of abuse include:
- Emotional and Psychological Abuse – Includes belittling, constant criticism, name-calling, humiliation, gaslighting, and manipulating reality to make the victim question their perceptions.
- Verbal Abuse – Involves yelling, insults, threats, and the use of words to control or intimidate.
- Physical Abuse – Any form of physical harm, including hitting, slapping, shoving, or any act meant to physically intimidate or harm.
- Financial Abuse – Controlling all financial resources, limiting the victim’s access to money, or using financial dependency as a means of control.
- Spiritual Abuse – Misusing religious beliefs to justify control, demand submission, or make a victim feel guilty for seeking help.
- Sexual Abuse – Coercing or forcing sexual acts, even within marriage, and disregarding consent.
Observable Behaviors That Indicate Abuse
Recognizing the signs of abuse can help victims and those around them intervene before the situation worsens. Based on various relationship assessments, here are observable behaviors that suggest abuse:
Control and Isolation
- The abuser discourages or forbids the victim from seeing friends or family.
- The victim must get “permission” for basic activities.
- The abuser monitors phone calls, messages, or social interactions.
Threats and Intimidation
- The abuser makes direct or indirect threats to harm the victim, their loved ones, or pets.
- Displays of aggression, such as punching walls or breaking objects to instill fear.
- Using silence or withdrawal as punishment.
Verbal and Emotional Degradation
- The abuser consistently belittles or insults the victim.
- They engage in gaslighting—making the victim doubt their experiences or memories.
- The victim often feels like they are “walking on eggshells” to avoid conflict and never know what might create another round of abuse.
Manipulation and Blame Shifting
- The abuser refuses to take responsibility for their actions.
- They blame the victim for their own abusive behaviors.
- They use guilt-tripping to make the victim feel responsible for their emotional outbursts.
Physical or Sexual Coercion
- Any form of non-consensual physical touch or violence.
- Using force, guilt, or manipulation to obtain sexual compliance.
- The abuser makes the victim feel obligated to meet their demands.
Why Couple’s Counseling Is Not Appropriate
Many well-meaning individuals, including church leaders and counselors, may suggest couple’s counseling to resolve relationship problems. However, in cases of abuse, joint counseling is not only ineffective but can be dangerous for all of the following reasons.
Power Imbalance
Couple’s counseling assumes both partners contribute equally to relationship struggles. In abusive relationships, however, there is a fundamental power imbalance where one person seeks to control the other. This imbalance makes productive counseling nearly impossible.
Further Manipulation
Abusers are often skilled manipulators. They may be very successful and well-liked members of the community, but in their intimate relationships it is entirely different. They may use counseling sessions to twist the narrative, gain sympathy, or present themselves as victims. This can leave the actual victim feeling even more unheard and powerless.
Retaliation Risk
When an abuse victim shares their experiences in counseling, they may face retaliation at home. The abuser may punish them for speaking out, increasing their fear and making escape more difficult.
What’s the Alternative?
Instead of couple’s counseling, individual counseling for the victim, support groups, and legal protection measures should be prioritized. The victim will need to establish safe boundaries and may well need to have someone help them in this process. The victim’s emotional and physical safety are of paramount importance. If the abuser is willing to address their behavior, they should seek professional help independently, but this should never be a condition for the victim to stay in the relationship. Renewed relationship needs to be based on the abuser’s demonstrated changed behavior over a long enoght period to instill trust again.
Steps Victims Should Take
Leaving an abusive relationship is challenging and often dangerous. Victims must take careful steps to protect themselves while seeking freedom.
1. Recognize the Abuse
The first step is to acknowledge that the behavior is abusive. Many victims downplay or justify their partner’s actions, hoping things will improve. Recognizing the reality of the situation is critical and support groups can be very helpful at this stage.
2. Reach Out for Support
Abusers often isolate their victims, making them feel alone and helpless. Victims should reach out to:
- Trusted friends or family members
- A domestic violence hotline (800-799-SAFE (7233), Text BEGIN to 88788)
- A professional counselor experienced in abuse dynamics
3. Create a Safety Plan
Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. A safety plan includes:
- Identifying a safe place to go
- Having an emergency bag with important documents, money, and essentials
- Knowing local shelters or support organizations
- Establishing a code word with a trusted person to signal distress
4. Seek Legal Protection
Victims may need legal measures such as:
- A restraining order
- Custody protections if children are involved
- Police intervention if there is imminent danger
- Legal separation
5. Rebuild and Heal
After leaving, victims should focus on healing and rebuilding their lives. This includes:
- Seeking individual counseling to recover from trauma
- Finding support groups with other survivors
- Establishing financial and emotional independence
- If the abuser successfully completes treatment (which is often a year-long process), reconciliation is possible, but it needs to be based on demonstrated behavior change and incremental trust re-building.
Conclusion
Abuse is never justified. It is not a marriage problem; it is an issue of power and control. While relationships require effort and commitment, they should never involve fear, intimidation, or harm. For those in abusive relationships, hope and help are available. Recognizing the signs, avoiding unsafe solutions like couple’s counseling, and taking deliberate steps toward safety and healing can lead to freedom and restoration. Remember that while forgiveness is part of the individual healing process, it does not mean staying in or tolerating an abusive relationship.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out to a trusted professional or a domestic violence support organization. Everyone deserves a relationship built on love, respect, and safety.
